By Sukhdev Sandhu
Marriage is a union between a couple who has joined together in holy alliance. We all play a different and distinct role in this alliance and most of us swim through this sea of expectations and social scrutiny unscathed. However, no two individuals’ roles are under more social acrimony than the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. But the mother-in-law’s problems are the most dreaded and talked about.
In fact, no relative in a family structure is more maligned, denigrated or vilified than the mother-in-law and she has gained the dubious distinction of a “monster”, and “mother-in-law from hell” etc. Her role has been typically depicted in a significant number of Indian dramas, domestic soap operas, folk songs or movies where her fictional character has been shown as being selfish, a villain, narcissistic and vindictive of her daughter-in-law. There are only a few exceptions where mother-in-laws are treated as considerate, adjusting and amenable. Furthermore, when we talk about the mother in-law, especially from an Indian perspective, we are talking about the mother of a male spouse. The mother of a female spouse is often described as a kind person and often perceived to be a victim.
However, women are born daughters, and then become women, brides, wives, mothers and mother-in-laws. Therefore, the mother-in-law is not an alien. It is assumed that most of the women in India and around the world would like to become mother-in-laws and have grandchildren. Yet, ironically, the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law in some parts of the world and particularly in India has been described as conflictual, irreconcilable, antagonistic, full of rivalry and jealousy. There are stories of humiliation, death threats and in some cases murder. Their roles are akin to two boxers who fight to win at any cost. This adverse and highly publicized role has entered our social psyche and we have begun to believe that a mother-in-law is incapable of living with her daughter-in-law. In the socio-economic literature, the influence of the Indian mother-in -law is taken for granted. This is because newlywed brides traditionally move in with their groom’s family after marriage and are unwittingly thrusted into a dependent role. The mother-in-law has become the scapegoat of our social/family system, which is built on patriarchal hierarchy. She is used as an instrument for sons to maintain the male preference, thereby pitting her against her daughter-in-law.
The following question therefore arises: why has the mother-in-law become the target of ridicule, humiliation and mistrust? The answer lies in a number of separate yet interrelated cultural and societal factors.
First, the mother-in-law is the product of a social environment over which she has little control. She is brought up in a culture and a society that reflects skewed power and controls relationship between the sexes and between the generations. Most men feel comfortable and in control of their homes, which are considered their castles. Men with traditional values and beliefs tend to exert their power and control over their female partners. Because of this power differential, women are susceptible to abuse and they live in fear and are forced to play a subservient role. They seem to internalize abusive treatment given to them. Then, when they become mother-in-laws themselves, they tend to use the little power they gained because of the preferred status of their sons. It is inherently advantageous for them to affiliate with their sons than their daughters. They unknowingly become oppressors themselves in dealing with their daughter-in-laws who initially have no power in their host family. A mother-in -law who may have experienced forced adjustment in her life tends to oppress the weaker than she. So a victim can become a victimizer later in her life, influenced by our inherently skewed social and familial structures. She becomes the upholder of patriarchal traditions and the natural Indian social structure to protect a male heir.
Second, gender imbalance is another factor influencing hostility between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The imbalance begins at birth or even before birth. Women are more likely to be subjected to infanticides or death in childhood. They generally are provided with fewer facilities of life such as food, shelter, education and employment opportunities. In fact, currently in some parts of India, girl child marriages are rampant and they are passed on to families foreign to them as servants and wives. Boys wield more economic power as they usually inherit land and other family assets. A mother-in-law tries to carry on the patriarchal values with whatever power her husband bestows on her.
Third, our family base is predicated on a strong preference for sons. If a woman cannot give birth to a son, her personal value as a person is devalued. A boy’s birth is celebrated with jubilance and considered a “good thing”. Mothers want to hang onto the “good thing” in life at the cost of their daughters. If daughters are treated equally from every aspect of the family structure, mother-in-laws may not need to cling to their sons for power and control. Usually, sons are perceived as natural heirs to family roots and the laws of property inheritance for girls remain on paper. Even girls of Indian origin living in western countries with all the awareness of their inherent rights are generally unable to shake the tradition of passing their inherent property rights on to their brothers. They are disinherited of their fathers’ property in favor of their brothers to keep unity and integrity of the family. When a woman becomes the mother-in-law, she exercises the little power she has available to her sex to protect her son. Therefore she is he is under social pressure to enforce order in the family based on son preference and align with him.
Based on the above ideas, it appears the mother-in-law’s actions to exert control on the daughter-in-law are not coming from coercion within the marital system, but from socialization factors that tend to perpetuate a patriarchal arrangement in a family unit. This leads to hostility, disharmony, conflicts, and in some cases danger to personal safety between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law despite their common interests as women.
Thus, instead of personifying a mother-in-law as a monster to avoid, we need to focus on the real issues of gender inequality and unfair practices of treating women as less than equals. Women also need to understand that they need to unite their efforts to exercise their rights in terms of family inheritance and equal rights. Equality between a man and a woman will make the relationship with a son as insignificant as is the case with daughters. Then a mother-in-law’s reliance on power sharing with her son, protection and family roots will most likely shift to a neutral zone in terms of gender preference. This will, in turn, likely lead to a flexible model of the family relationship giving freedom to a mother-in-law to live amicably with her son or daughter. As a consequence, a mother-in-law will be less likely to control her daughter-in-law as is the case with her son-in-law. Therefore, we need to correct our thinking errors, faulty belief system, and rigid family system that demonize the mother-in-law as a person.
Sukhdev Sandhu is a Surrey-based writer.
